I’m like scattered banana peels on the floor -an accident/embarrassment waiting to happen. Embarrassment should be my middle name. I ALWAYS keep on getting into situations where my image is compromised. Fuck that. I hate it. It makes me wanna die. [[MORE]] These past few weeks have been life-changing. I now have a job, new friends, and… Well, let’s just say that this is one of...
This is terrible. I think I’ve just fallen into another Chris trap. [[MORE]] After writing those two sentences up there, guess what I decide to do? I search previous posts to check if I used the same codename or not. And guess what I found?? This MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. Now I’m starting to believe that I am into him more than I admit I am. The thing is, when I’ve...
Sooooooo, I’m back! Not like anyone has been expecting an update… but life really knows how to hit you hard when you’re planning stuff. Anyway, lately I’ve been talking to people about how we should be grateful for what we have despite the situation and it got me thinking…[[MORE]] I don’t have much of my own in this life, but I want to think of a few things I...
I wish envy would leave me. I feel it, despite my blessings. Maybe it’s one of those withdrawal symptoms. I find it harder to feel anything regarding my dreams for myself… And it’s just that, I guess. I feel like I should want a family of my own, a great husband, wonderful children, be a published author… Though I only ever hope to accomplish the latter, there is nothing...
Had the most wonderful, much-deserved sex… [[MORE]] with my vibrator. It’s a sad story (again), but it’ll have to do. It’s hard being a single woman when in the middle of the night, you suddenly feel the urge to be stabbed with a phallus in the honey pot. Flicking the bean just wouldn’t do, and despite I could reach the rainbows with just that, my hungry, aching...
Knowing what to do in every situation will make you look stupid nonetheless. It’s quite ironic. Word tells you to avoid being anxious, and when you’re not, you still become too anxious because nothing is happening. You don’t know what to be ready for, you don’t know anything, and even if you’re fine with that, you’re still left with nothing. Then each day will...
I am getting tired of what is happening at home. I’ve been here 24/7 with my mother and sister and let me tell you something -they are driving me nuts. It’s either one or the other who’s driving me crazy. Lately, the younger woman has been driving me insane. [[MORE]] I’m not God. I do not have unconditional love. I can’t always be patient and understanding. I’m...
I miss missing Tom. I miss hoping for a future with him. I miss dreaming about Tom like he was this beautiful mystery that waited for me at the end of the line. I miss wanting that pure attraction towards him, the sweet promise of our first kiss. I miss writing about us, what would happen should we meet. I miss coming up with endless scenarios about our union, our first ‘hello’. I miss...
I’m too familiar with my world. I mean, I know what I am, who I am. And so far, there hasn’t really been something ‘life-changing’ that has happened to me. For instance, my previous jobs feel like ‘odd jobs’ because they mean something, but they haven’t really gotten me anywhere, just gave me lots of experience. I still feel like a I’m a fresh-grad....
Maybe it’s a serious case of Despicable Me. I’m not his type. I’m not the woman he wants. Yeah. That’s probably it. There’s no other reason. Or he’s taken. He’s gay. He’s engaged. He’s… probably not interested in a committed relationship. He’s… He’s. Uhh. He’s just not that into me. :) Put that in your...
I’m probably tipsy and I’m only going to say this one time: I want Chris. I want him. I want him to be mine. When I heard my friends laughing about Chris being with his ex, who is also my friend, I felt a bit angry, dare I say jealous. I don’t want him with anybody else. Good thing he didn’t join us in karaoke tonight. I would have felt terrible had he come -especially if...
Turns out, I’m still THAT intimidating. I’m still not worth it. I’m still not the kind of woman guys would do the impossible for. I’m still not doing it, I’m still that high, or that big. I’m turning 24 soon, and I still feel like I’m fresh out of college, and it’s not helping I’m choosing to be a bum for now.[[MORE]] I’ve said my piece...
I’ve read a paragraph that hit home regarding my frustrations about dreaming of Chris. [[MORE]] “Fate wouldn’t be that damn cruel as to make her fall for her enemy only to bring her back to reality and say she imagined it all. What the hell was she supposed to do with all those feelings inside her heart? How was she supposed to forget about the way he touched her, kissed her,...
I’m back to Chris. This time around though, I’ll try to leave things as it is. Like for one, he’s not The Real Chris -my high school classmate. From now on, Chris will be that ‘dream guy’ who invades my nightly visions. Because he never really left. He has been the only constant in my life. I’ll believe him instead. I’ll just be thankful that The Real...
It’s all a dream. How many times have I wished for that to be real? Just this morning, I dreamt about zombies. I woke up and felt afraid, seriously thinking that zombies may be after me. Before that though, Chris kissed me. I liked it. I’m starting to wonder if I’m having these explicit dreams is God’s way of sating my desires, or adding fuel to the fire. I honestly can’t tell. It’s like it’s...
I have made it perfectly clear that my last day was the 15th. It was on email. There was even a picture of the farewell get together my good boss initiated for me. Despite that fact, I still took care of the matters I could. I sent emails, important things I had to do before I left. I wasn’t getting paid, but I figured I was being polite. This afternoon, I get a call from a boss. I ignored...
It’s confirmed. The Lord my God has played a nasty trick on me. He proved how CRAZY I am about this thing with Paolo. He did a month’s worth of interaction/flirting USELESS. Thus, I am applying the brainwash-self-induced amnesia-method. From now on, I will believe that Paolo and I parted as friends, and no rejection whatsoever occurred. That’s right. He didn’t lack with a...
I don’t think I’ve ever been this bitter this Valentines Day. Screw this shit. Were I single, completely unattached, I’m one of the many who would celebrate. I’d even boast about being single. But I like someone so much, and that makes the possibility of celebrating null and void. Useless. I’d probably go home tomorrow, have a drink and feel miserable. And this sucks...
I wish I could just stop these growing feelings for Paolo. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I’m up so early in the morning because my brain can’t stop thinking about him. I think about him in general, not the little quirks, and I can almost say I’m in love. But I’m not in love with him yet. I mean, I don’t know shit about the guy. I know things about him,...
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I’m busy as hell, but he’s still all that I think about. How is this even possible? I woke up so early in the morning just to think of him. I can’t go back to sleep. I’m thinking this is bad, this is wrong, but I’m still fucking happy. What the fuck is happening? I wish I could say I’m not, but I think I’m in love....
Honestly, I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed… all the way down to my toes and the top of my head. I’m fucking ashamed of this, my extreme attraction/infatuation with Paolo. Why? Because he’s not what I want, and apparently, he’s all I want. He’s all I could ever think about. This uneasiness I feel is so fucking sensitive that when my sibling comments on how she...
OK, so now it’s only been a few days since Friday, and I’m already THIS worse. My vag’s crush on Paolo has escalated to levels beyond the ordinary. I am actually fantasizing about him 24/7. Give me a few minutes break to do something else, like work, for example, and it reverts back to him. His tall, athletic physique and fair skin. His red lips and his deep voice. Yeah,...
I used to have a list. Well, I thought I did. Being single gives you that privilege, I suppose. I want this or that in a man. First I want him tall. I want him broad-shouldered. I want him fair-skinned. I want a pair of dark, piercing eyes to look at me whenever we talk. I want a man with a deep voice, the type that could make me shiver even when we’re talking about something stupid. I want him to...
I’ve been out of town these past two days because of work, and boy, I did not expect to feel such a strong attraction towards my boss’ son. Yes, this same boss who I’m dying to escape from. Life is ironic, isn’t it? It all started in the van. He sat on the driver’s seat, and from where I was, I could clearly see his bare knees and a good portion of his thighs. OK,...
I wasn’t waiting for it, but I dreamt of Chris again this morning. I hope that this journal doesn’t evolve into something of my whining about Chris and how I wish I didn’t dream about him. Why did God have to take Tom away from me and leave Chris in the picture? It’s unfair, it’s sad and it’s damn confusing. If only I liked Chris, or if only I had a crush on...
I’ve been dreaming nightmares lately and I wonder if this is God’s way of telling me I should have been thankful about just dreaming about Chris. But here’s the thing, I kinda love the misery. I’d rather have nightmares and have a better reality than vice versa. Not that I’m saying dreaming of Chris has been all rainbows and happiness, but at least, this is true...
Life does not wait for you. It’s always on the go -it does not give a damn if you feel like it’s the end of the world, or if you’re all alone. You’re never going to catch a break. For example, despite my whining about how life has been so unfair, blah blah blah… I wound up really sick yesterday. I’m still not well, and even if I’m not getting worse,...
So there are impossible things in this world, after all? That’s what I’ve been thinking about the whole day. Maybe this is God’s way of paving my way through adulthood -as if I didn’t know enough, that maybe I should be accepting of the fact that when life beats you down, you should get used to that sadness, and eventually, accept it as reality. There is no greener...
Or found. Either way, a lot of things happened in a matter of three days. I lost my inspiration this morning. I was praying about something else, and by some weird reason, my feelings regarding Tom dissipated like bubbles floating in thin air. Everything was gone. Like it didn’t happen. I suddenly felt so far away from him, and he wasn’t significant in my life anymore. Tom was my...
I dreamt of being with Chris again. This guy has been a semi close friend of mine back in high school, and I’ve been dreaming of him for 10 years now. Doesn’t it suck that I dreamed of him on New Year’s? Well, I should really stop expecting for things to be alright when it comes to my personal life. This is the best that it can get, I think. Maybe it’s also because of the...
I don’t think God will give me much time on this earth. Thing is, I know why. I know why I don’t deserve peace. I’m messed up. I don’t think there’s a way out for me. If I had courage, I would have chosen to go out a long time ago. I thought it was gone, my old self, but yesterday, it overwhelmed me like a drug. I’m so wrong. I don’t know how I can...
I can’t be the happy blogger. It’s Christmas, I’m trying, and yet, I’m still that depressive woman who thinks the weight of the world is on her shoulders. Maybe it is. The point is, this day I’ve realized that I’m really just an evil person. I am capable and thinking of things that I can’t even divulge on my online secret journal. I wish I had the guts to...
I’ve been really trying not to get irritated every time my mom suddenly shifts the conversation into something about her life when I open a topic that is related to mine. Believe me, I don’t usually hog or dominate conversations -I’m a very good listener, that’s why I like to think that at times I’d like to open up, my mother, of all people, would want to listen....
I did say something about my next post being about myself. Well, I figured I don’t really like myself right now. I’m fighting depression lately, I think, and honestly, I think I’m letting it win. I feel sorry for my depleting libido. I’m still overly sensitive, I can still reach that delicious orgasm that can make me shudder all over, but the problem is -I can’t...
I was reading about Zoe Margolis, writer responsible for the famous sex blog, ‘Girl with a One-Track Mind’ and I realized just how much I needed to write my own blog again. I’ve been keeping one throughout the years, aside from my hard-bound journals, but somehow, I never maintained any of those, because of my uneventful run-in with men. It’s a shame, really, how I go...