Camino on Coping.

Always.

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 21:05:00 -0400

I’m like scattered banana peels on the floor -an accident/embarrassment waiting to happen. Embarrassment should be my middle name. I ALWAYS keep on getting into situations where my image is compromised. Fuck that. I hate it. It makes me wanna die.

These past few weeks have been life-changing. I now have a job, new friends, and… Well, let’s just say that this is one of the break or make points in my life. I’m really trying hard to be ok, and I’m not really losing steam just yet, but it really gets frustrating to be the only one actively trying to be ok here at home.

Other than that, the emotional strain in the family is killing me. Killing me because I feel like I’m in this alone.

Also, the great job is great, but the people… well, nice as they are…

Geez. I really hate complaining. But my writing is all I have. This is my best friend.

Speaking of, I’ve dreamt of Chris again. God. Why. Why him. Why not Pao. Why not Chuck. And the dreams are clue-riddled that it’s really him. Why. I don’t get it. Why is my brain forcing this on me? Sigh. This is really something.

I can’t help but wish I could escape though.

NO.

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 14:03:42 -0400

This is terrible. I think I’ve just fallen into another Chris trap.

After writing those two sentences up there, guess what I decide to do? I search previous posts to check if I used the same codename or not. And guess what I found??

This MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

Now I’m starting to believe that I am into him more than I admit I am. The thing is, when I’ve given it some thought, here’s what I came up with:

I like him just as much as I hate him. So that’s basically 50/50, right?

Thing is, WHY did that ‘like’ factor even reach MOFO 50%!? Why is it equal to the hate? Why is it even there? Why does it exist? I don’t fucking understand.

I haven’t seen him for two years! I haven’t heard SHIT from him since last Christmas -and even this is me, trying to remember if that was even a fucking GROUP MESSAGE. He did not respond to any of my messages this year, and I changed my fucking number so HOW the fuck are we supposed to connect if HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!?

The strange thing that offset this realization was when I found out that his ex, my ex-nemesis, had migrated to another country. Ok, way before that. Hours before I found out she was overseas, I checked her Facebook account for unknown reasons and her display picture was of her and this guy who looked like her boyfriend. And you know what I did? I zoomed in that damn picture until I found out that the ugly motherfucking idiot’s face wasn’t Chris. I breathed a sigh of RELIEF. RELIEF?! Do you see this? I wasn’t suppose to feel “OH THANK GOD IT WASN’T YOU” but I even Tweeted about it! WHAT THE FUCK!? Not that I want them together, because God knows I’m against that, but WHY was I so thankful they weren’t an item anymore?

This is wrong. Whenever I tell myself this is the only thing I’m left struggling with in my life, I tell myself, TRY liking the idea -NO. Maybe you should try liking -NO. How about -NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. I’ve never heard NO this much in a day in my mind. How can I like and dislike something so much? Is it because I KNOW he doesn’t, won’t ever like me that way? Is this self-mutilation ala heart? I DON’T KNOW!!!!

I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to go around this.

Thinking about going to a shrink set off the alarms in my head. What if the doc asks too much? What if the doc actually realizes that I’m harboring some secret fantasy with him? What if the doc would think that my problem was epically blown out of proportion? Because what the fuck. I don’t know why this is happening. Should I wait another four years to have that sweet 15th Anniversary with myself?

I REFUSE to just give in. Chris in my head has been tempting me. Mocking me. Teasing me. He’ll back off whenever I say NO. But he’ll be in my dream, waiting, watching. He’ll even let me talk to someone else, my first love, my family. Then the next dream -BLAM. He’s there, coveting me, wooing me, loving me, holding my hand. It’s fucking sick because it’s so sweet, it’s so HARD not to love him and what he does. And when I wake up, I’m happy, I’m thinking about him and the warmth of his hand or his lips on mine, and I feel so sick because I know none of it were true.

It’s sad. A sad, fucking, depressing story. It’s a sick tale of cat and mouse of feelings. These are the only vivid dreams I have exhausted myself in interpreting, because as explicit as they are with the message, I don’t know what I should do anymore. It’s like I’m being played by my own mind. Or worse, I’m cursed. BUT WHY THE FUCK HIM!? God KNOWS I’ve met other people, more handsome people, for God’s sake, there’s TOM and PAOLO. Paolo who’s been so recent and so real, we could have been so much BUT NO!

My brain LOVES Chris. It picks Chris over every other male out there. It’s like I’ve got this endless KARMA about refusing to look at him that way because he was shorter than me when we were fucking 13 YEARS OLD. Don’t I get a free pass right there? I was stupid, I was a fucking child-teen, OF COURSE I had and have standards!!!! Why!? WHY!? I AM SO motherfucking sick of this SHOW in my head.

AND if I do tell him, WHAT THEN!? Am I just going to read his emotionless messages of fake sympathy!? WHAT THEN!? Am I going to expect to be whisked away on my feet like he would do in my dreams?! Because that’s the problem, isn’t it? IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD and it hurts so much to know that I am THIS crazy over a guy who doesn’t know I exist.

It’s so WRONG. I know I’ve said this before, but this whole ‘dreaming of this guy’ is such a big part of my life that I don’t know how to emit it for future attempts in a relationship. OK, so MAYBE I AM open to the idea of NOT dating anyone forever. I AM ready to be single for life. BUT WHY THE FUCK TEMPT ME WITH THESE DREAMS!? WHY!? WHY HIM!? Why does it have to be of this guy I barely know, don’t want to think about, has seen me in SO many fucking embarrassing situations in the short times we’ve been together?

It doesn’t help that EVERY time I remember my interactions with him that they’re full of sincerity and WHAT THE FUCK EVER. I can’t give him too much credit. These dreams are killing me. Chris. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why won’t you get out of my head? Are you trying to tell me something? Do you wish ill of me? If you do, please! Please! I ask for your forgiveness! I never had it easy in my life and I’m expecting Dreamland to make it up to me, but not pairing you up with me!!! PLEASE. I want to give you to the woman who you love!

Whenever I think of the possibility that he MAY feel the same way but hides it so well makes me loathe the idea of us all the more.

Makes me want to say goodbye world.

Checklists.

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 12:01:00 -0400

Sooooooo, I’m back! Not like anyone has been expecting an update… but life really knows how to hit you hard when you’re planning stuff. Anyway, lately I’ve been talking to people about how we should be grateful for what we have despite the situation and it got me thinking…

I don’t have much of my own in this life, but I want to think of a few things I probably will pursue for myself no matter what:

Finish the fiction trilogy I’m working on. I’m probably not going to finish it soon or be a household name, but I’m hoping that I accomplish something that I really love to do and that’s more than enough for me. I just hope that my writing leads me somewhere.
UH. Nothing.
I’m still thinking.
Nothing.
Zilch.

As you can see, there’s nothing much left for me really. I’m a waste of space in the emotional support department -especially when it comes to my family and friends, so it’s safe to say I’m a useless daughter, sister and friend. It’s all for naught, my sacrifices, and sometimes I don’t know why I even bother. I honestly have one friend left in my life, someone who truly wants to be there for me. It’s a pain, really. Because sooner or later, she’s going to meet someone that will take her attention and I’ll be all alone again.

I try thinking maybe I should still push through with my plans to commit suicide when I turn 30 or when I’m 33. Who knows? I’m not depressed now, no. But I guess I just don’t see myself going anywhere but here and it’s killing me. I’m stuck in this body, this place, this life. It’s always my fault. For instance, it’s my fault for thinking that my loved ones aren’t grateful I’m in their lives. I’m not aiming to save them or be their one true rock, but I hate how they’re making it seem like I’m not doing enough to help them. They disregard me like I haven’t done shit for their wellbeing.

Why does life and my blog posts in general revolve around emotional pain and suffering? Maybe it’s really just because I’m a selfish woman who thinks of no one else but herself. I’m always in pain. I try to be happy and when I am, people do something to make sure I feel bad again. They want me to remember how I’m not supposed to be happy, that I shouldn’t be content with who I am.

So thank you, world. I know you don’t need me, but please, stop crushing me with your weight. There are still those random days when I just stare into nothing, or when I’m in the middle of a church service and I think about maybe it’s time to die. Maybe today is the day that I finally say goodbye and stop hoping things will get better. But maybe life is still worth living even if you still have one person left. If she leaves me, I’ll be at peace, because I know by then she’ll truly be happy.

On another note, I like to believe I’m really going somewhere with my story AFTER ALL THESE YEARS. I’ve finally completed my outlines for all 4 books, and I’ve got the characters visualized. Now I just have to fill out my chapters. Sucks, however, because there are those moments when I feel that what I’m writing isn’t good enough. It’s as if my story isn’t interesting or original enough. While writing, I keep on imagining all the similar stories I can think of, that I forget that I started writing my piece based on my own actual experiences. Sometimes, I have to remember what Shakespeare said something like there are but only so much stories to tell. Having similar plots or twists are bound to happen especially in the world of fiction, so what was I expecting? That’s why I have to believe that I could do it, that I could finish what I’ve started no matter what.

I really pray I could push through. Please, Lord. It’s all I have left.

DIAD.

Tue, 29 May 2012 07:55:19 -0400

I wish envy would leave me. I feel it, despite my blessings. Maybe it’s one of those withdrawal symptoms. I find it harder to feel anything regarding my dreams for myself… And it’s just that, I guess. I feel like I should want a family of my own, a great husband, wonderful children, be a published author… Though I only ever hope to accomplish the latter, there is nothing else for me. That’s my fault and my misery, I suppose.

I’ve felt several physical injuries these past few weeks and out of instinct, I want to run to my mom and tell her how I feel a pain here or there. But I’m teaching myself not to anymore. I can’t always seek help or medication. If it’s my time to die, then I’ll go. I can’t always fight what’s happening in my life.

I don’t want to care about other people’s standards anymore, not that it mattered before. I just realized how I didn’t want to aim to please my father, for instance, despite his lingering thoughts about how I kept on missing chances and opportunities, and I’m lagging in the success department. I realize, what the fuck ever, you old man. If this hurts him, where I am now, it’s my turn to laugh at your face. You made a fool out of us for so long -your false promises, your stupid hopeful aspirations, your senseless words of advice among other things… Now it’s my turn to ask: what does it feel like? Do the things I do with my life affect you now? Hurts to hope for something great and all you keep having is shit, right?

I’ll keep justifying my cause no matter what. I’m stubborn that way. I’m a hopeless fuck up that way. God knows I try. I just wonder when my deadline will be.

My sibling tells me that as a bad person, it might take longer to die in this earth. I shrugged and told her, “Hence my proposition for deadlines.”

I don’t plan to live until I grow old. I find the drama useless. I don’t want to grow old alone, dependent on other people, especially if I’m going to be bothersome in the process. I don’t want to look like I’m a weak mess, or that people are fighting over me or crying about how sad they were that even after all the bad shit I’ve been through, I still ended up sad and alone.

It’s not good riddance. It would be called a tragedy.

Someone please. End this now.

Journey.

Thu, 17 May 2012 14:20:02 -0400

Had the most wonderful, much-deserved sex…

with my vibrator.

It’s a sad story (again), but it’ll have to do.

It’s hard being a single woman when in the middle of the night, you suddenly feel the urge to be stabbed with a phallus in the honey pot. Flicking the bean just wouldn’t do, and despite I could reach the rainbows with just that, my hungry, aching snatch demanded more.

Hence my perfect pink pie pulsator. PPPP. Well, my PPPP might be just an object, but it sure gets the job done. Just added rubbing fingers while I placed it behind me… and then there were stars.

Despite having given up on marriage a few weeks ago, these nights remind me exactly why I need a husband. Sure, there’s all that and that, but the sex. Teh sex is killing me. My libido is off the charts. And as much as it’d be a nice idea to do one night stands to easy my urges, I can’t and I won’t do that. Let’s just say I’ve learned from my lesson two years ago.

So there. It’s coming clean time and I admit that I just came a few minutes prior writing this lusty post. Haha.

Happy jack and jilling to all those lonely people out there. ;)

Part.

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 12:11:32 -0400

Knowing what to do in every situation will make you look stupid nonetheless. It’s quite ironic. Word tells you to avoid being anxious, and when you’re not, you still become too anxious because nothing is happening. You don’t know what to be ready for, you don’t know anything, and even if you’re fine with that, you’re still left with nothing.

Then each day will pass, everyday will drag on, and there is this nagging feeling inside me that whispers how this feeling of waiting will lead into settling into how I see the world lives -routines, responsibilities overshadowing dreams, regretful and finally, alone. It’s all becoming a cycle of this and that, but nothing really ever mine.

Estranged.

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 13:09:51 -0400

I am getting tired of what is happening at home. I’ve been here 24/7 with my mother and sister and let me tell you something -they are driving me nuts. It’s either one or the other who’s driving me crazy. Lately, the younger woman has been driving me insane.

I’m not God. I do not have unconditional love. I can’t always be patient and understanding. I’m not expecting a lifetime of gratefulness or recognition. However, I might expect a little sensitivity and kindness. Even if they didn’t ask for it, these two women whom I call family are the reasons why I’m stuck in the position where I am.

I’m not even bragging when I say that they need me. They need me to function, to keep things together. They need me to laugh, to tolerate each other. They even need me for trivial things. I’m my mom’s helping hand, and I’m my sister’s free editor. They need me for artistic purposes, among other things. Their emotional dependence on me is beyond words.

However, as of late, I’ve been noticing a pattern that’s been happening in this household. One, whenever I talk about something about me specifically, and it’s one of those, ‘I want to talk more about it’ type of conversations, they’re always quick to revert the drift of the conversation towards something about them. They don’t even give me enough reactions or even listen to me properly. And hey, don’t get me wrong -I barely burden them with my thoughts. It’s always them who says something, and I try my best to listen.

I give my mother the most leeway. She’s been left by her husband. She’s got a difficult daughter. She’s emotionally grieving and is borderline depressed. But she tries to be happy. She does what she can to cope. I can feel that she is thankful to have me in her life. I can tell that even though she thinks that she carries the world on her shoulders, she’s grateful that I’m there for her to support her.

Now my sister -it’s another whole issue altogether. We’ve clashed a lot of times this year, and I barely contain myself any longer when my temper flares because of her insensitivity or brattiness. Don’t get me wrong -I’m the patient one. I’m the eldest, and everyone knows just how much I love her. But you know how she returns all my affection? Selfishness and harsh words. She doesn’t care if she offends me or if she disrespects me. I understand this whole teenager phase, I do. But I can’t help but feel as if she’s getting worse, that no matter how sweet or kind I am to her, all she’s going to do is to slam it right back to my face, just to show me how my efforts are for nothing.

Because that’s exactly it. It takes effort to be able to be here. I love them with all of my heart, I do. I’ve made them my life. I guess sometimes, I just want them to listen to me and think about me the way I value them so much. They think that my treatment towards them means nothing? I forget myself whenever I’m around them. I focus on how to make them happy, how to make things work for all of us so we’re always ok. There are days when I just want to cry and be miserable, but I don’t think about that because I don’t want to focus on my sadness. I want for the three of us to be happy, because we don’t have many fo those days.

I’m tired. I’ve always been tired. My whole life has been an emotional downer. There are redeeming moments, but they are few -extremely rare, even. I’m not one of the lucky ones. I’m one of those people who fought -who continually fight each day to be able to be ok. I’ve been begging God to give me a break, and maybe this is it, but it still hurts.

When I feel so alienated from these two women who are my life, I feel like my world is just ending. I feel that everything was for nothing. I feel the need to up and leave. I feel the need to have my own life and forget about everyone. It’s not like I’m asking for much. I just need a few minutes of their time. I want them to listen to me about things about me, and not just because of gossip about other people and what they want to do about their life. Because I have my life too. I want to live too.

I don’t now how long I can take this, actually. One of these days, I feel like I might just give up and let everything go. I’m only human. I don’t know what God wants from me anymore. Even in my own home, I feel alone and miserable.

Let’s be honest here. I’ve got nothing to live for. I don’t think I like being in this position anymore. Ending everything would be the easy way to go. I try my best, but it’s always never enough.

Alien. I’m an alien. I don’t belong here.

Deceived.

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 12:57:00 -0400

I miss missing Tom. I miss hoping for a future with him. I miss dreaming about Tom like he was this beautiful mystery that waited for me at the end of the line. I miss wanting that pure attraction towards him, the sweet promise of our first kiss. I miss writing about us, what would happen should we meet. I miss coming up with endless scenarios about our union, our first ‘hello’. I miss the bittersweet hope of Tom, the effort of loving him the best as I can.

But Tom has sailed away. He’s gone from me. It’s like the link to our future has been cut. The need to have it, disappeared like a bubble. I miss being happy even with just the thought of him waiting for me, because I sincerely believed I was the woman he was supposed to end up with. I believed that even though he didn’t know me yet, he knew he was going to meet me someday. That was our connection. That was who we were going to be. We were going to be wonderful together. It was beautiful.

And apparently, it was a fairytale.

Sorry. I’m depressed. I know I’m usually mopey with my other posts, but this time around, it’s been triggered after meeting with a college friend. We’re very close, she and I, but since I’ve been better, been teaching myself how to get back up on my two feet and dealing with my life in general, I find myself in a downward spiral back to that dark place every time we meet in person. Sometimes I get this way even through texting. It’s her, not me. Or maybe it’s me not her?

Thing is, my friend and I found common ground years ago when we were in the doldrums. My life hasn’t gotten any better, but I have, I like to believe. On the other hand, my friend never moved on from that stage. She’s always still full of complaints and regrets about her life. Sighing about things and dreams she couldn’t reach. I know I’m still the same, in a way, but I’m choosing not to be depressed over it. I’ve got so many things to think about and I’m trying my best to push the self-pity away. But my friend… no matter what we do… we keep going back to that place. Now, I’m thinking maybe it’s not such a good idea that we’re friends. Maybe we’re not helping each other in that area.

I can’t help but remember the advice for people who want to be successful. If you want to be successful, surround yourself with positive people. My college friend is the exact opposite. She tries to be optimistic, but her general persona is a pessimist. I hate that she looks like she’s actually in a better place than I am and still manages to complain. Maybe that’s why she brings me down. Or maybe I feel depressed because I remember all the issues I’m trying to NOT think about. Either way, we’re not getting anywhere in our lives. She’s still depressed and I’m still her friend. Eventually, I’m flocking with her, and it’s a bad thing.

Being depressed is a bad thing for me. All I keep on thinking is killing myself. Or that I’m dying. That I had it coming. I feel undeserving. I replay my doubts in my head, like no wonder God is having a hard time giving me the man for me, because given my damaged goods, how can He find the right one for me? No one deserves to be with someone like me. He knows that I know what a fucking mess I am -inside and out. When I’m depressed, I believe that things are impossible. I believe that God can’t make things work -after all, He’s let me experience so much failures, abandonments, regrets and embarrassments in my life I could go on and on. What makes now any different right?

But this could be deception. It IS deception. But my heart only clutches onto reality right now. And all I see is the evidence of my past. I know Jesus already forgave me for all my sins and He’s taking it upon himself to rid me of my sins… my past. But why? Why am I still miserable now? Aren’t I supposed to be happy? At least better? Why do I still feel so alone?

I remember before going to this numb stage this past month, I remember praying, asking God for help to battle this feelings of selfishness. Wanting everything to work out for my benefit -it’s all self-centeredness, right? But I can’t help but wonder that maybe I just want even just a few things in my life to work out. He’s a big God, isn’t He? What’s a little comfort and good riddance in terms of the love department? Why can’t I feel that I deserve to be loved in this earth? I’m always taking care of my family, being there for my friends, I’m always so strong for them, but what about me? Why can’t I have someone to hold and love? Someone to love me at least the same way I can love him?

Ugh. Maybe I’m really just depressed. Or do I need to read all my previous entries to get that I’ve been depressed all along? Well, at least now, I know I’m really feeling it. I’m admitting it. I hate using that word. And I really feel like I should die soon.

Sigh.

And my birthday is getting closer and closer. Gosh. This makes me want to break down and cry. I have no qualms with getting old, but I don’t want to grow old and wrinkly and still be alone. If God will let me, I want to have children while I’m still young. I’m not in my teens anymore. Damn. I feel like everything is catching up to me.

Don’t you love me, God? Have you forgotten about me? Don’t you love me?

I’m losing hope, Father. Save me. Please.

Ache.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 13:10:16 -0400

I’m too familiar with my world. I mean, I know what I am, who I am. And so far, there hasn’t really been something ‘life-changing’ that has happened to me. For instance, my previous jobs feel like ‘odd jobs’ because they mean something, but they haven’t really gotten me anywhere, just gave me lots of experience. I still feel like a I’m a fresh-grad. I am still living with my mom, I’m their daily buffer whenever my mom and sister argue, I’m stuck with my high school friends, I have dreams of leaving my hometown but I’m still here.

THere are so many things that I wish I could do but I can’t. It’s probably a depressing night. I don’t know how it feels like to be someone’s girlfriend or fiance. I haven’t felt what it feels like to be a mother -a real one. I don’t know what it feels like to be romanced for real. Hell, I haven’t even been properly fucked on a regular basis. I haven’t felt ‘pursued’ by a man yet, at least also by someone who I’m mutually attracted to. I don’t know what it feels like to be ‘taken cared’ of by a man, because I’m always so strong and well, there’s no real good men around me. I blame it on my country, I blame it on my body.

I haven’t met anyone intimidating yet. I’ve met airheads, sure. But I haven’t met someone who could make me feel like damn, this dude is the shit. No. Every guy I’ve met is either too self-absorbed or they aren’t just into me. Or they’re with someone. And now I’m thinking, why the fuck does it always boil down to romance? Love? Fuck it! Well, even I know the answer to that. It’s probably the are in which I know so much about, but haven’t experienced it for real.

Well, that’s confusing, and hypocritical, but maybe I’m just a statistic -I’m one of those people who just want to find someone to call their own. Like Freddie, we need someone to love. And so far, all there is around here is a cold bed and a lonely heart.

Life hasn’t been easy, and maybe, I’m hoping things would look up even just in the love department. But taking my past into account, I’d say that this is pretty much a hopeless case for now. I dislike this, being alone. Hell, I’ve spent the past 2 years without a boy, not even a stupid fling. I’m very much alone as you can tell. All I’m doing is being here for my friends and family. They always have me. And I’m always the strong one, always give encouragement, support, love, understanding… but… what about me, Lord?

I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this now. I’m just feeling lonely tonight. It’s probably because of the dream I’ve had this morning. I dreamed of having a baby boy, and my alter-ego/penname’s surname was his nickname. He was a very talented toddler who was the apple of my eye. He was very attached to me as well, very sweet. My friends adored him. He played the piano. I didn’t know who the dad was, and I’m hoping it wasn’t Chris, because he was there earlier in the dream. ;l

So YES. You know how much this subject hits home, Lord. This is just unfair. Feeding me with fantasies that disappear into thin air when I wake up. I’d rather die in my sleep, at least I know my beautiful baby boy was with me, or at least I felt love before I died -even in dreams. I could never get over this baby issue. It hurts me more than it hurts me to know that I’m probably not going to get the things I desire most, realistically speaking.

Sigh. I don’t know how long you’ll keep me this way. I really don’t. All I see is me being stuck in this lifestyle. I want to break free from this life. I want change. If only I can escape and leave my family, my stereotype. My self.

God, please. Hear my call.

Reminder.

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 07:58:16 -0400

Maybe it’s a serious case of Despicable Me. I’m not his type. I’m not the woman he wants. Yeah. That’s probably it. There’s no other reason. Or he’s taken. He’s gay. He’s engaged. He’s… probably not interested in a committed relationship. He’s… He’s. Uhh. He’s just not that into me. :)

Put that in your fuckin’ head, honey.

Tipsy.

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 15:04:52 -0400

I’m probably tipsy and I’m only going to say this one time: I want Chris. I want him. I want him to be mine. When I heard my friends laughing about Chris being with his ex, who is also my friend, I felt a bit angry, dare I say jealous. I don’t want him with anybody else. Good thing he didn’t join us in karaoke tonight. I would have felt terrible had he come -especially if he’s with his girlfriend. I hate him. I hate feeling this way. I hate saying this.

After stripping off, only in my underwear, I stared up my dark ceiling and asked God, “Will you give him to me? Can I have him?” After all, hasn’t He been the one responsible for all the dreams I’ve had of the guy? Isn’t it funny that after this little high school reunion, this is what I’m writing about? Isn’t it a bit unfair that I’m still wondering if my childhood nemesis/Chris’ ex from high school has feelings for him because I’ve got plans?

BUT NO. I’ll stop myself. I won’t do anything unless the guy goes first. I can’t do it. I can’t make a move, especially if the guy is taken. Maybe that’s why Paolo and I aren’t going to work out. Maybe that’s why he didn’t pursue me. I’m a loser. I want people I can’t have. I can’t wait for things to fall into place, because I’m so tired of chasing after people that don’t want me back. I want to want someone who’s at least in my standards (height/economic stability/attractiveness). LOL and that’s asking much.

I hate being a paranoid bitch. I’m a fucking idiot. How can I want someone like this? Why!? I hate who I am, who I’ve become. I feel like I’ve been cheated. I can’t help it. I feel like I need him, almost. Almost. I have to put that word there because if I don’t, I’ll fucking lose it. I want him. I need him. Why. Why is this happening? I don’t deserve this. I’ve been nothing but hurt, lonely, alone! I don’t deserve to feel like this. This is beyond unfair.

What am I supposed to do now? Forget I’m feeling this way when I wake up tomorrow morning? Am I supposed in embarrassment when I feel this way? I hate this. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate myself. Does God even want me to be sane?

Lord, why? Why Chris? Why him? You know I don’t feel anything for him. Why the torture? Why? Why do you allow this? You took Tom away from me. Why can’t you take this away? It’s been 11 fucking years. It’s too much, Lord. Please. Have mercy on me. You have to have mercy on me. I’m done. I’m so done. He’s not… I wish I could say he isn’t part of my life, but he is… He is. For 11 fucking years, he has been a constant in my life. How the fuck am I supposed to erase him? He’s been part of my subconscious for more than a decade. A FUCKING DECADE.

Please, Lord,. Why torture me so? Have mercy on me, your poor servant. I know I smoked one stick tonight. But Lord. Remember me. Remember me. Lord, please. This is so wrong. Lord, please. PLEASE. I beg of you. I know you know everything. But please, reveal what you want to do in my life with regards to Chris. I can’t have this lingering on me for another decade. You know the dreams aren’t gone. You have to have mercy on me. PLEASE, LORD. My heart is crying out to you. ;(

Wait.

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 12:31:01 -0400

Turns out, I’m still THAT intimidating. I’m still not worth it. I’m still not the kind of woman guys would do the impossible for. I’m still not doing it, I’m still that high, or that big. I’m turning 24 soon, and I still feel like I’m fresh out of college, and it’s not helping I’m choosing to be a bum for now.

I’ve said my piece about Paolo, yes, but of course, there are times when I still think about him. I wonder about the way he looks at me, like he’s waiting for me to say something else other than what I’m supposed to say. I think about the way he didn’t show up that single day we were supposed to see each other, him ‘spying’ on me indirectly. But I don’t think about the possibility of ‘us’ anymore. Perhaps, in that area, I’m probably moving on.

He was just, if anything, an eye candy distraction. He was there to entertain me, keep me sane that hell month I went through with work. I don’t know why God thought that Tom wasn’t enough to do that, or why His timing was that way, but it seems that it’s just how Paolo is in my life. Something passing. He was temporary. He doesn’t belong in my world anymore, as much as I didn’t belong in his.

I don’t feel sad whenever I think about the greatness of us. Admitting to myself that I miss him on random days was therapeutic, I suppose. For instance, listening to Taylor Swift’s ‘Story of Us’ eased much of the tension that I felt in my heart, defined that vague feeling I couldn’t seem to put a finger on. I’m not her fan, but I have to say, the lyrics to her song killed it.

I still don’t feel rejected, as stupid as that sounds. Though my insecurities threaten to rear its ugly head once in a while, I find myself unable to respond to that notion. It’s as simple as that -it’s not really the reason why you and Paolo didn’t happen. Who knows, maybe the guy had someone else, and you, too, were a distraction for him. Another part of me suggests that he also probably needs to know my God first. Shit like that. The reasons are endless, and I believe them, but the pain doesn’t go away. The feeling of loneliness is still apparent, though I have to admit, I’m getting used to it, and longing for him has definitely dampened this past month.

This day marks the entire month I haven’t seen him, I just realized. It’s been a month of not seeing him, his smiles, hearing his voice, getting poked by him, not receiving a message from him… I miss him. I’m not admitting it to anyone other than my two girlfriends, and that’s saying much. I can only think about it now and hope that he misses me too.

I’m getting this nagging feeling as of late though -the guy wants me to make the first move. He’s a spoiled rich kid, that’s what I’m leaning on to, probably used to having girls throw themselves at his feet. Well, sad to say, I don’t want to do this now. I’m not going to offer myself to him on a silver platter. I’m not a piece of meat, and if this was the reason, I guess I can say God knows timing at its best. The only time I tell myself that I shouldn’t do anything, and manipulate the situation, this is what the guy calls for me to do. But I’m following what God is inspiring me to do -and that is to be still.

God has been pounding it on my brains this past month. Don’t fucking do anything. Ok, maybe not that crass, but it’s always been wait, be still, don’t be anxious, wait, wait, be patient. There isn’t any other message for me now but that. It’s great that God is speaking to me in this manner, honestly, but the WHY factor is really doing me in. Because I still don’t understand a lot of things.

I’ve been dreaming about Chris nonstop. And there’s this slight chance I might see him on Friday. A little part of me is hopeful, stupid me, but a huge chunk of me screams NO -you shouldn’t see him. I would be feeding my subconscious with fantasies if ever I get more real time action with him. The guy has a girlfriend already, and though they aren’t married yet, that’s supposed to be the standard when you’re single. I guess that makes Chris a good guy then, because he’s already taken.

Sometimes I think that I’m not surprised God is delaying this romance thing too much for my taste, not that it matters. But most of the time, I think that I should take it easy on God, considering I’m not exactly low-maintenance. I’m a whole level of something that I can’t begin to comprehend just what is the right kind of guy for me. When I think about the ‘right guy’ in detail, I’ve got all sorts of wants and needs, but realistically speaking, I doubt it’ll be easy.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been dwelling on Hey Arnold! fandom as of late. I’ve been reading the fiction nonstop. And I could never stop my heart clenching with bittersweet ache whenever I feel myself relating to Helga Pataki’s character. Because I like to put guys up on pedestals. If not, I’m that rough on the outside, soft on the inside girl. I’m a bitch. I’m a mess. I try to be good, and I’m always trying, but in the end, I always end up failing. I’m hopelessly in love with a guy I’ve created in my mind, and I may choose to end up alone because I know no one could ever live up to that sort of expectations.

I just want to be surprised, too, I guess. Slowly, I’m losing all my hopes and dreams for what the perfect guy should be. I’m really placing myself in the neutral mode, ready to welcome whatever, or whoever God should give or throw my way. I’m reseting standards, I suppose. Because if I have this perfect guy image in my head, I wouldn’t be able to find contentment with the imperfect but right for me guy that He has in store for me. That’s the optimistic side to it.

But the pessimistic side? Maybe God is just trying to talk some sense into me. Trying to remind me that ‘hey, look at all your past flings and relationships. Remember how much you fail at them? That’s your biggest clue to just give up and shut the fuck up.’ Well, my God couldn’t be that mean, but on a lighter note, maybe he’s readying me for singlehood, suffering with my easily stoked loins. Because that’s the only problem to the single for life equation. I’m a fucking horny woman. I’m a nympho. I love sex. I love to give and receive physical pleasure. My body is programmed for fucking. The smallest touch, caress, can make me leak like an open faucet. My core literally aches with need with the slightest thought of fucking. It’s been 2 years since I’ve slept with someone. You can only imagine the need my body is sending me.

And so I’m here, dying from abstinence. There are times when I think that maybe I should just give up on life in general and do it. End it all. But when I think about hope and surprises and God giving me something that could make me say ‘boy this was worth the long wait’, I stick it out for another day.

Choices.

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 04:53:17 -0500

I’ve read a paragraph that hit home regarding my frustrations about dreaming of Chris.

“Fate wouldn’t be that damn cruel as to make her fall for her enemy only to bring her back to reality and say she imagined it all. What the hell was she supposed to do with all those feelings inside her heart? How was she supposed to forget about the way he touched her, kissed her, made love to her with his hands, mouth, and tongue? There was no brushing that under the rug, writing it off, getting over it like it was a twisted Alice in Wonderland trip, a figment of her imagination.” ~LL

Turns out, Fate is THAT cruel to me. God is playing with me with my dreams. Because this is exactly how I feel. But then I think, or is God making me pick my reality? Should I choose my dreams? Maybe that explains why I don’t feel like I belong here. I need to be somewhere else. I need to get away. Maybe I should really choose to end it all soon, because that’s the only reasonable explanation why this cruel joke is being played on me.

Closer by Nine Inch Nails. Can’t stop listening to this.

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:29:00 -0500

Closer by Nine Inch Nails. Can’t stop listening to this.

Slave.

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 09:44:50 -0500

I’m back to Chris. This time around though, I’ll try to leave things as it is. Like for one, he’s not The Real Chris -my high school classmate. From now on, Chris will be that ‘dream guy’ who invades my nightly visions. Because he never really left. He has been the only constant in my life. I’ll believe him instead. I’ll just be thankful that The Real Chris doesn’t have an ugly face, and I’m just borrowing that to sate my desires. Because after Tom, after losing my chance with The Real Chris, and now losing Pao, too -the dreams haven’t ceased. Yes, I’m Dream Chris’ bitch.

I haven’t told anyone about this though. I’m too hesitant to admit it to people now, because I’d just appear as crazy. TRC already has a girlfriend anyway. Hell, I stil like Pao. But I still dream of him, and in that alternate reality, we’re still lovers. He’s still trying to win my heart. Maybe I won’t fight it this time. Especially now that I’m losing hope with Pao. Waiting for him is proving to be such a difficult thing to do.

I want to cut ties with Pao’s dad anyway. And maybe that’s the reason why Pao isn’t the one for me, why he didn’t want to pursue me. I accept that and I understand. He also probably knows that I come from a broken family, which means I’ve got too much issues. Hell, I don’t really want to think about why he never really did get enough guts to act on what we could have had. It’s a waste, but now, I don’t want to dwell on it any longer. I won’t deny that I miss him like crazy. Now and then I still think about how awesome we could have been, but slowly, I’m starting to realize that I don’t want to be related to Pao’s family. There’s too much baggage there that I don’t want to add to my own. I can’t carry that burden anymore. Maybe this is God’s way of saving me.

God has been telling me to be ‘still.’ Well, here’s the result. I’m not being sarcastic or mad. I know I’m not supposed to do anything, and I’m not. I just feel so lonely. Am I supposed to avoid anything that’s related to love? I’m ready to be single for life, I think. Maybe this is what I deserve. I don’t even know what ‘this’ is anymore.

Missing Pao has been exhausting. There are times when I still check my phone if he bothered to text me. There are times when I hope that he sent me an email. Anything. But I’m sure that if ever he would talk to me, it’s because of his dad. It’s never going to be about me. I’m not special.

But I try. I try to be positive. I try to smile. I try to make the best ouf of what I have now. I try to be ok. I try to be the shoulder people can cry on. I try to reach out. I try to be happy. I try to make other people happy. I try to teach myself that I should just relax and let God do his thing. I try so hard every single day.

Sometimes I wonder maybe, it’s time to give up. Maybe it’s time to stop everything. Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop feeling sad. Because it’s too much. Everything is too much. I don’t know how long I could stand this kind of misery. Maybe God will forgive me for wanting to take control. Maybe that’s when He’ll give me a pass.

I don’t want to tell anyone about my frustrations anymore. When I write here, that’s my ‘release’ time. I can’t always tell my girl friends about this. I can’t. I’m too emotional. It’s getting repetitive. I’m whining it’s annoying. I’m ashamed of myself. That’s why I’m thinking maybe I should finally succumb to the line of work that’s been calling me -just to drown myself into responsibilities, just so I don’t have time to think about Me anymore.

Wasn’t that how I tried to cope last year, when my dad left us, to drown myself in work to numb myself from everything. It didn’t really work that way, but if my work time takes most of my ‘being alone to think’ time, it helps a bit. However, it does get frustrating when people around me expect too much from me. Sigh.

Lemons. Where the fuck are you? I’ve been getting tomatoes. How the fuck am I supposed to sell lemonade when all I’m getting are tomatoes? Why not even just oranges? Why not even limes?

Exhausted.

Timing.

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 03:46:50 -0500

It’s all a dream.

How many times have I wished for that to be real?

Just this morning, I dreamt about zombies. I woke up and felt afraid, seriously thinking that zombies may be after me.

Before that though, Chris kissed me. I liked it.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m having these explicit dreams is God’s way of sating my desires, or adding fuel to the fire. I honestly can’t tell. It’s like it’s feeding both the possibilities. Or is it a demon is defiling me again, I dunno. I seriously can’t tell the difference anymore.

Everything is all a big joke, i feel. There’s this big void inside me. I always feel lonely and exhausted. Or maybe I’m just tired.

God tells me to ‘Hush, be still.’ I’m really trying my best. Sometimes I wish there was just an easy way out to certain things. I wish there was switch to emotions you can manipulate every now and then. Because it’s hard being like this -being a drifter, uncertain about where exactly will God take you.

But I guess that’s where the challenge lies. Trust God. Trust Him with whatever should happen. His time is the best time. Don’t doubt it.

Other than my what seems like emotional purgatory, I’m a bum. I’m unemployed and enjoying it. I have been spending my days eating, gaming, net surfing, reading, and sleeping. On rare occasions, I do engage in sms-ing 2-3 of my closest friends. Later, I might be going out on a movie date. All friendly though.

Sadly, I still miss Pao. He’s been in my mind on and off for as long as I can remember. It’s killing me. My heart is in suspension. I want to be with him so bad. I want to talk to him. I want to be loved by him… and I can’t do anything about it. And a part of me doesn’t want to anyway, but either way, I’m being sucked into this vortex of sadness.

Oh, God. Save me. Please take me. I don’t want to live my life anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself, saying these things.

Last night, I realized what a hermit I’m becoming. I hate my desires. I hate the hate. I wish I could just shut myself off from the world. It’s so wrong. I guess I’ve been through much to even remember exactly why I became this way.

But God is faithful to me. He has inspired to me that in order to protect me, He had sacrificed a lot of things. Like my father, for instance. 6 months after I felt molested by him, God takes him out of the house. I thought about it before, but never really thought about it. That’s when I thought how maybe, some things happening in my life are actually being done for me. I thought it was to end mom and dad’s ill-fated relationship… But who would ever know it was for me?

God loves me very much. It sucks that it’s hard to see and feel it sometimes. I guess that’s because I’m human. I can’t see things through his eyes at once. I need time and a whole lot of drama to come to terms with how things are.

In the end, I have to believe that everything will work out for me because I love Him. I don’t know if I’m going to have instant happiness soon enough, but I hope that I will. In the deepest of my heart’s desire, God knows the things I desire, and if it is His will, he will give them to me one day.

Till then, I’ll try to make some lemonade.

Damn.

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:02:35 -0500

I have made it perfectly clear that my last day was the 15th. It was on email. There was even a picture of the farewell get together my good boss initiated for me. Despite that fact, I still took care of the matters I could. I sent emails, important things I had to do before I left. I wasn’t getting paid, but I figured I was being polite.

This afternoon, I get a call from a boss. I ignored it. I turned my phone around and pressed it against the bed. Suddenly, my breath is all constricted, my palms are cold and sweaty, my heart is beating way too fast. I’m having a mini meltdown. I feel like crying and I feel like collapsing.

So being unusually tense, I go downstairs to vent out to my mom. I tell her about what’s happening to me physically. I’m freaking out. My palms are still cold as ice. I want to cry. I tell her about how my previous job was traumatic. I disliked it. I was so tense. She’s accommodating the first few minutes and then she fucking snaps at me.

She yells at me about how I should just shut up, considering I didn’t want to do anything about it anyway. Great, right? It’s not like I always run to her when I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This is how life reminds me why I never really needed my parents to begin with. Sure, they’re there to sustain my physical needs, but life wise? They haven’t helped me with shit.

What did I do to deserve this? Haven’t I always been that ready shoulder to cry on despite their busy schedules? I should really just shut up and ignore everyone. I would if I could. I don’t understand why people are so fucking annoying lately. Moment you even want to open up or tell your side of the story, they come off as fucking insensitive and uninterested. Well screw you.

I hate people right now. I wish I could just disappear and leave these fucked up world behind. What I’d do to get away and leave everyone behind.

Amnesiac.

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:29:12 -0500

It’s confirmed. The Lord my God has played a nasty trick on me. He proved how CRAZY I am about this thing with Paolo. He did a month’s worth of interaction/flirting USELESS. Thus, I am applying the brainwash-self-induced amnesia-method.

From now on, I will believe that Paolo and I parted as friends, and no rejection whatsoever occurred. That’s right. He didn’t lack with a response when I sort of hinted that maybe we can text if he had the time. Fucking asshole. Really? Why couldn’t you just have reacted like you would -all friendly and casual? Why did you have to NOT reply and make me feel like an idiot?

You’re an idiot. You used to be lucky because I wanted to be with you. We could have been so good together. Now I am trying to believe that you are just like every other guy out there. You’re an ass. You’re an ass because you’re letting ME go. You’re letting the opportunity of being awesome together go.

Good luck with your life, Paolo. I still don’t understand why God would use YOU of all people to play a fucking joke on me. I’ll miss you like hell, but I promise I won’t voluntarily think or talk about you anymore.

And yeah… I love you. I love the idea of us. The idea of you and me together married. Both of us romantic or laughing. I love to think about how we would make love. You felt like you were the one, for a month. :)

Goodbye, Paolo. May your memory rest in peace.

Anxious.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 09:26:00 -0500

I don’t think I’ve ever been this bitter this Valentines Day. Screw this shit. Were I single, completely unattached, I’m one of the many who would celebrate. I’d even boast about being single. But I like someone so much, and that makes the possibility of celebrating null and void. Useless. I’d probably go home tomorrow, have a drink and feel miserable. And this sucks because there is a 99.9% that this probability will come true.

Thing is, I know I’m not like other girls. My dad never treated me like a princess, a lady. I was never special. Thus, this should be a big clue why men in general would never see me in that light. It sucks that it’s always going to be ‘daddy issues’ with me. Probably because I want to justify what’s happening to me now. Justify things that are beyond my control. Like the fact that my dad never really ‘protected’ me, I learned to be too independent, too strong and intimidating, that even when I’m weak, I appear the exact opposite. It’s like I don’t need anyone.

It’s just that I don’t want to be stuck in this kind of life. It’s like I see this future ahead of me.

Earlier tonight I saw a scene in a movie where this woman was having an affair with a guy. I remembered my first time and I thought, it all comes down to the fact that we’re human. We need someone to touch. Someone warm to be with. Someone real we can hold. We don’t even have to talk. And sometimes, that kind of contact, that kind of relationship, it doesn’t matter for as long as you get that moment of feeling just you: vulnerable yet needed. Be a complete puzzle once in a while.

Paolo and I have been somewhat of a ‘thing’ this past month. It’s been just a few weeks, yes. But it’s been too intense, too real, and I wonder why am I in this situation. I’m stuck again. This time, with feelings that are going to be put to waste again. I don’t understand why I had to feel this way for someone that doesn’t really care about me. Why?

Is God having fun with me? Haven’t I suffered enough?

I hate myself for having too much wants. Too much desires. I wish I could just shut it off completely, my feelings. I wish I could just have amnesia. My close girlfriend told me, “But hey, you’ll forget about me too!” I told her, “Nah. You’re going to make an effort for me to remember you. BUT all the other useless memories, people, I can do without.”

My job has been a success, as far as I’m concerned. This past week, I’ve made so many people happy. People I could no longer remember, know me. I have accomplished something. It’s supposed to make me happy, but I’m still alone. I wonder, when is it my turn? I am just one person, Lord. Why is it, that I can make all of them happy, and it takes an eternity for just one me?

I’m just bitter because I’m anxious. A huge part of me secretly wants Paolo to make a move. Make some time for me. Let’s know each other. Let’s be together. We could be good together. I want to make you smile. I want to make you laugh. We’d make each other happy. We could be each other’s comfort, partner, special secret. We could be in love.

But everything -up until now, everything that’s happened… everything could be just me being too assuming of his motives… I’m getting mixed signals. Reading too much of his over friendliness, mistaking it for flirting and interest. It’s terrible. It’s wrong. To want so much and be denied flat-out on the face.

It’s always going to be a sad story, isn’t it?

This whole pessimistic optimism is killing me.

Human.

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:15:32 -0500

I wish I could just stop these growing feelings for Paolo. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I’m up so early in the morning because my brain can’t stop thinking about him. I think about him in general, not the little quirks, and I can almost say I’m in love.

But I’m not in love with him yet. I mean, I don’t know shit about the guy. I know things about him, but not really him. I know he plays basketball -he is an active player with his friends, and it happens about a week. He’s an extrovert. His dad is an over-achiever boss. His mom is a good person, from what I hear, although I feel a little threatened with her presence. His sister is the same, though she’s a bit too ‘girly’ for my tastes. He likes to joke a lot. A polo shirt looks hot on him. He’s tall. He doesn’t look anything like his dad. He makes the effort to ask me if I’m ok whenever he passes by. He’s a good guy, from what I hear. He’s a good son, from what I know. He’s a workaholic and he looks like he’s single. He pays attention, in some weird way, to me.

See? It’s just a fucking paragraph. It doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of who Paolo is. He may be a hot guy on the outside, but I don’t know how he is with his friends or his family for that matter. I don’t know if he’s a romantic -if he’s even capable of it. I don’t know if he cares about other people the way he seems he does. I don’t know if he’s gentle with women, or if he’s a playboy. I realized I tend to see the good in everyone, despite my past. So I am too trusting for my own good.

I just hope that when I leave this office, my feelings would too. Because I cannot deal with the fact that I am going to like someone who doesn’t genuinely care for me. Maybe he does, just a pinch of it, but I want more. I hate that I want more. I hate that I want to feel his embrace, his caresses. I hate to want to hear my name from his lips. I hate that he makes me feel happy when I’m sad. I hate that when I feel down, just one hi from him makes me feel better. I hate that I want to feel his touch, his body, his secrets. I want to know him like a best friend and a lover. I don’t even mind his dad anymore.

Why does this have to happen? I’ve been wondering these past few days why my feelings of Tom were taken from me. I still don’t understand. Tom was taken away just to give way to Paolo? It’s the easiest equation possible, but I can’t manage to accept that it’s just that. I mean, really? Because no matter how many stories I have of us, it’s not enough until HE makes a move and tells me he likes me. Because, simply said, he doesn’t. It’s all in my mind, I’m reading mixed signals, I’m probably blinded by my crush goggles.

I know he’s the one making the little things happen, and for once, I don’t want to do anything to manipulate this situation. I don’t want to go ahead and tell him how I feel or stalk him. This time around, I want the guy to make a move -Paolo or not. Because I’m tired of playing the aggressive card. It always fucking backfires on me. I’m the type of woman who gives everything when she’s in love and what’s a little work on the guy’s part? Sigh.

I just wish that if this crush on Paolo doesn’t mean anything, and if I am indeed making something out of nothing, I hope that it’s happening for a reason. Is it because I need something to make me happy in this miserable job? Is it because God is sparing me from complete torture? I don’t know. Is it really just that? Do these little things happen just because? I’m tired. I’m so tired.

It’s my fault for trying to figure things out. It’s my fault for being too analytic. Too hopeful. Too much. Too lonely and too alone. I knew I was happy with Tom’s memory, so why did this have to happen to me? Why do I have to feel more alone than I already am? Why can’t I have something for me? It’s sad that I feel so selfish right now.

Fuck, I just want to let everything go.